Updates....or excuses

So I actually finished a novel for Intro fiction and I'll do a review as soon as I can. It's Silas Marner by the way. I will also be doing my Review of The Village (FUCK) as soon as my friend gets it to me (that's a hint Meg). Keep in mind there is also a UFC event this weekend that I may do a post about, I have a History essay to start and the Super Bowl is this weekend...so don't be surprised if it takes me a few days to catch up to my posts. I do what I can with the time I'm allotted.

Unmeasurable Hate

Expect my review for The Village to be posted within a week or so, probably on Sunday. That is if I don't take the easy way out...............BANG........... :) For now, I'm out!

Good Luck Chuck

So I'm going to do this one a little different than usual. I know pretty much everyone hates this movie so I'm going to do this more as a rant than a review. I'm writing this while watching the movie and for the record I haven't seen Good Luck Chuck before so my pain will be first hand. And yes I am assuming that I'll hate it, I'm far past the point of mercy here(especially since you people decided I should review the village, damn you all to hell!). So here we go.

To start off his friend is a creepy kid. Hahhahahah, OK your kidding me, he was hexed by a goth kid and so now he's cursed . This is some real BULL SHIT. OK I see were this is going there is going to be lots of really awkward gross out scenes. And it's not even funny awkward. And of course the fat kid grew up to be a fat adult who is just as creepy as before. What the FUCK IS GOING ON please kill the fat one, Christ I already hate everyone in this film. Please god bring in Jessica Alba.

God damn make her leave again she's making Dane Cook try and sound clever. Oh good she injured him, guess this movie isn't a total loss. WTF the bride killed a bird with the bouquet, this movie isn't even trying to be clever. Just boobs and slap stick (bad choice of words), this movie is ass.

Ha, she hit her face off the ice, hope the concussion helps her acting because this is bad. This clumsy thing is getting annoying almost as annoying as Dan Cook trying to be the "good guy" whilst screwing every piece of ass that crosses his path. These characters suck, not one of them is likable. And the fat guy is really fucking pathetic, what a dick.

NO, there is no way. Your telling me Dane Cook is only screwing these chicks because he wants them to find their true love. So their trying to portray this as a sympathetic story with a good message about true love but then they show what must be a ten minute sex scene involving Dana screwing countless hot chicks. Yeah he really respects women. Note I'm not against screwing hot chicks, seriously take note of that ladies I'm more than open to a shallow relationship ;) , I just hate it when a movie tries to be something it's not.

Speaking of which they keep trying to make Jessica Alba seem like a good actress. She just can't pass for a scientist and once again the clumsy shit is really annoying. Stop wrecking stuff you dumb bitch! Now it's trying to be a romance, go back to breaking stuff, please!

Shut up you fucking stoner, you don't have the right to give advice! Note I have nothing against stoners I just wouldn't take their advice. I'd fill you in but there is no point, the only thing I left out was the part were Cook bones the fat chick....I don't have word, but it's defiantly not funny.

I fucking hate you Dane Cook! I give up this has gone on long enough I'll finish the movie then I'll give my final verdict I don't have the strength to continue right now...

OK I watched the rest and it didn't get any better.....I have nothing left to say except you shouldn't watch it. It`s a D but I`m close to giving it an F because it just sucks. There are way better movies out there to see.

Oh by the way there are some real WTF scenes in this film and I`ll give them to you in a segment called...

Nightmare`s top 3 WTF moments

3: There is a penguin in the movie that eats it`s own shit. And it`s like they were building up to it. a few different characters mention that penguins do this just so when it happens you know why. It`s still fucking random.

2: Dane walks in on the fat guy having sex with a grape fruit. I have nothing to say.........

1: During the credits Dane gives oral sex to a stuffed penguin. It`s not half as funny as it sounds. I shudder at the thought and wish I had never seen this film. Just don`t watch it.

Hard Times...(I love word play)

Well I should have finished Hard Times by Charles Dickens by now but...I haven't and I doubt I will. I once again read a bunch of summaries to make up for it but I somehow feel like I've failed myself. I just have far to much to read for all my classes. And as of late I have been having a hard time focusing on novels (especially social commentaries...ARG!) or anything else for that matter. Personal problems aside I saw Cloverfield loved it and posted my review and I'm going to start planning my review of The Village since it has become apparent it will win. On a side note boxing is going well so not everything is bad. It just seems like I don't have enough time to do everything I need to, things end up going undone and words end up unsaid. Oh well at least I'm closer to beating up on some poor schmuck in boxing :)

CLOVERFIELD

OK, before I begin I would like to say that this movie isn't for everyone. Some people are not going to like allot of what this film has to offer. However that does not mean the movie has problems. I assume allot of reviewers are going to try and look "smart" (code for pompous and arrogant) by pointing out the movies "flaws", the problem with this is most reviewers have their heads so far up their asses that they believe that if they don't like something it's automatically bad. A real reviewer can tell when their being bias toward something and look at it from another prospective. I hate to use myself as an example (I'm not arrogant enough to really call myself a reviewer) but my review of Halloween is a good example. I hated the movie but still gave it a decent score and a pointed out that some people will like it. Because I know my tastes don't account for everyone. To say you didn't like Cloverfield is OK, to say it sucks is just ignorant and I'll tell you why...In time.

I'll break this movie down very carefully. I loved it and I don't want to ruin it for other people. So I'll keep plot points as far away as I can. Though that leads to my first(and probably most important point) the problem most people will have (besides the shaky cam) is that there is a plot. It's really all about the people who have to survive but it's also a love story. Weather or not this will work for you depends on what crowd you fall into. You'll love it if your the kind of person who can except that this man is going back for this girl because he loves her. Or you'll hate it because you think common sense dictates you would just leave her behind. It really depends on your personality. I for one thought it was great and I really grew to love the characters, of course that's easy for me because I'm young and I know people like this. Allot of people are calling them douche bags but I think your forgetting what it's like to be young. These "douche bags" are basically the people I hang out with so I really liked them. Once again this is a case were it won't work for everyone but it certainly isn't a problem. They can't go and have a diverse bunch of age groups so they can cover the tastes of everyone. Besides I would have been very confused if they had a middle aged man at the party with them. As far as performances go they were all really good. The lines didn't sound forced and they only said what they needed too, which leads perfectly too my next point.

This movie only gives you what you need to know. Both in camera work and plot design. This will again be a problem for some people. I thought it was great, I don't like to be spoon fed and I had a great time figure(or guessing) things out on my own. Besides if this were real no one would know what the hell was going on especially at ground zero. So I would have been angry if they had given explanations. The camera is what sets this apart from other epic and disaster films because instead of giving you everything they only show you what you would see if you were actually there. Some people have complained that it didn't show enough, but I think they fail to realise that is the point. Your not supposed to see everything because in real life you wouldn't. Some scenes are a tease on purpose though, they are meant to build tension and suspense. Each one eventually giving you what you want which is made all the sweeter because you had to wait for it.

These little things and the plot are what separate this from the Blaire witch. It feels real but you can also feel the directors presence. You can't just make a naturalistic movie it wouldn't work. If that happened the movie wouldn't have been half as interesting, there would have been less action, no emotional response and no character development. In real life these people would have probably either died quickly or been evacuated. the quest to find the girl was built on circumstance but it was necessary. It took them back into the city. I don't understand why that's a complaint because we all wanted them in the city anyway, if they had left we never would have seen anything. this is not a movie about Joe Average(though all the characters are everyman type people who I had no problem sympathising for) it is the story about the brave few who would venture back into hell for love. Though many of you are saying this defies common sense it is necessary because this is the stuff legends are built on. Obviously not everyone would do what they did but that's why we follow their story and not the story of Joe Average, their story may not resemble what you would do in a crisis but that's why no one ever remembers your story. Again it won't work for everyone but it's not a fault, realistically it's genius.

Well I think I covered as much as I can without giving away anything. i will say some people won't like the ending because it is abrupt. Though if you didn't expect that you shouldn't be analysing movies. I for one loved it because it finished the main character ark. I won't explain how though because it would ruin it for the type of people who really get that stuff. It was the only way it could have ended and yet it was still perfect. And also on a side note, the monsters look cool. Some people may have a problem with the main monster's design but I didn't and the way they teased you for most of the movie, never really showing it to you, was perfect.

I personally feel it's an A+ but not everyone is going to get some of the more artsy points. And if you don't like the shaky hand held camera effect just don't see it in theaters. If this kind of stuff gives you motion sickness just wait and watch it on DVD, the great visuals and the emotional effect it causes(there is allot of 911 type imagery and symbolism) will still work on the small screen. And at least at home you can pause it if you feel dizzy.

Cloverfield: Review Preview

OK, I just got back from Cloverfield and it blew me away. It was everything I hoped for and more. It kicked ass! So I'll post a review tomorrow outlining why everyone should see it, because though I'm really going to try I don't think I can find any real complaints about the movie. Though if you get sick while watching shaky cam scenes this movie probably isn't for you ;)

Jane Eyre (God Damn It!)

Well to start off there are two things you need to keep in mind: 1 I never finished the book I just ended up reading plot summaries to make up for my lack of effort and 2 this is not my kind of book. So I'll give you my verdict but you'll have to take it with a grain of salt.

I really didn't like this book. I just have trouble relating to the problems of a young woman in the 1800s. And the other problem I had started with the fact that I knew her back story. Charlotte Brontë's life was almost the same as the story of Jane. Except everything works out in Jane Eyre (links added so you can explore my claims and argue them if you feel like it) and Charlotte ended up dying young. The story was spruced up a bit but it was still a throw back to her life. In my opinion it seems like the fairy tale version, it's as if this is how she dreamed her life would turn out. So the problem I had with this was that I'm studying it in Intro to Fiction and in my opinion it's almost biographical. I want twists and mysteries and all I got was some cliche romance with a little "deus ex machina" thrown in to keep it on track. I hate it when an author uses convenient plot turns to move a story. But all complaints aside the style is impeccable. Her writing is top notch give the lack luster story the shine it desperately needs. And the way she uses the first person point of view is great. She makes the story a narration but it's not first person omniscient like other stories of this type. Everything has the illusion of real time though it is all in the past.

So like I said I hated it, but that doesn't mean that it's bad. I'm not ignorant enough to believe that I have to like it for it to be good. However it does have flaws that make me question it's importance as a classic novel. It's a B, for romance lovers this should be right up your alley and it is also good if you want to study first person narrative. I just wouldn't recommend it to men in general as you'll probably hate it as much as I did.

Anger and Updates

Well I'm back in school now so you may notice a decline in how frequently I post. This is mostly due to the massive list of books I have to cut through by the end of the semester. I just don't have the same amount of time to watch movies as I used to. But I may have found a solution. For the time being I'll switch over to doing Book Reviews. Now you need to bare with me here these aren't the kind of books I normally read. My first book is Jane Eyre :( It was written by Charlotte Bronte the sister of the woman who wrote Wuthering Heights (which I had the misfortune of reading last year), I foresee a world of hurt! However this may entice me to read more often and writing the reviews may help my understanding of the source material, so overall this may work.

I would also Like to mention my growing hatred for my local Blockbuster. They are in the midst of renovations so they're normally inept form of organization has gone all to hell. I was looking for a movie to review for this week but every time I picked up a case there was nothing but random films behind it. Once this happened three times I gave up and stormed out of the store. Needless to say I'm looking for a new rental outlet.

Resident Evil Extinction

This is the second time I've seen this movie, the first time being in the theaters. So I've had plenty of time to pick it apart. This movie is not very smart. I was taking notes thought the movie until about the half way point where I just gave up. Like many big budget action movies it falls apart when you apply logic. However it was a fun movie so I will take the time to break it down before pointing out it's weak points.

It once again follows the character of Alice as she fights the undead while trying to accomplish various goals. The chosen goals for this one are settle the score with Umbrella, get the survivors to Alaska(?) and later in the movie GET TO DA CHOPPER! it has some of the characters from the second movie including everyone's favorite comic relief LJ. But for some reason Jill Valentine is nowhere to be seen no explanation is given she is just replaced with another strong female character Claire Redfield, why? Because she is another character from the game. This movie loves to play the name game another example would be the almost absent Albert Wesker. As for Claire I'm not sure if she acts like her original character because I didn't play the game she was featured in. Besides, the dialogue in the RE games sucks so you have to really take liberties with the characters when adapting them for a movie. Speaking of which the story here is not from the games. Like the rest it is almost all original. Something that game fans never really liked. But I don't really care because the games never had very complex story lines to begin with. It's not like their Silent Hill or anything...oh shit, they screwed up that story to...STOP RUINING THE FUCKING STORY LINES OF EVERY GAME, JUST USE THE ORIGINAL STORY...AHHHHH...Sorry about that I just hated the movie Silent Hill, so realistically I can see why loyal game fans could be mad.

To be honest the story isn't to bad you just have to understand that it's shallow and definitely not a Horror. It's your run of the mill action movie with a bit of zombie thrown in to add some kick. The main reason why it's not a Horror is Alice is super human, thus the zombies pose no real threat and the rest of her companions are armed to the teeth so the can dispatch the zombie hordes almost as easily. Though the action scenes are very good and show off Alice's ass kickery and offer some cool gun play. The down fall is of course the plot holes...

Nightmare's Top Three Plot Holes

#3 The movie implies that the T-virus not only brings things back to life but has the spontaneous ability to make the water from rivers and lakes evaporate. How exactly? Did the zombies all systemically line up and use buckets to drain out all the water? Maybe they used a pump?

#2 The Umbrella scientists are trying to domesticate the Zombies so they become less dangerous and can be used for manual labor. Ah OK. I'm sure that's going to work. Just like it worked in that older zombie movie "Day of the Dead". yeah it worked great for them too ;)

#1 The scientists determine that the zombies don't need to feed to survive, they are self nourishing. How exactly? Are they solar powered? do they plug into most standard outlets? Please movie just give me an explanation!

So most of the plot is built on garbage but it's still a fun movie. kind of like how AVP 2 was fun. Just mindless action. The only difference here is the characters here are actually pretty good. I grew attached to a few of them and it really made the movie more interesting. So it gets a B, if you like action you'll probably like this movie as long as you don't think too much. Also if you like the other RE movies your sure to enjoy this one and of course if you hated the others I wouldn't bother watching this one.

Halloween (sorry the picture isn't better)

OK here we go again with another slasher review. I'll start by saying that it's at least better than Black Christmas, though that's not saying much. Even with my obvious lack of writing experience I could right a better horror script than Black Christmas and I could do it over an Afternoon for free. Hear that Hollywood, for free! Just so I can have the joy of knowing that there is still some art left in the horror industry. Though I do expect royalty checks ;) After all the real money is in royalties anyway.

Before I really begin I have to warn You this may be short. I have boxing in a few hours and I don't think I'll be in any condition to write it after boxing. I'll be far too tired. Mostly I'm asking you to bare with me on what ever typos you may notice I just don't have the time I usually do to edit this one. Sorry in advance:(

Just forget about that warning I feel good enough to go through it now so i will. Be aware this message was written about 3 hours after the rest so you may have already seen many mistakes...I'll make up for this with...well...nothing, I can't change the past. But I will fix some mistakes for everyone else.


Now getting to the movie, I must say it didn't live up to expectations. Most of my friends said it was great! Well it wasn't. Adequate is probably a better word as it just barley fills the quota to be called a horror movie and for that matter a Halloween movie. I'll start by addressing the lengthy back story at the start. This movie is supposed to be a remake but it takes some liberties of it's own with the story. Most of this revolves around Mike Myers who in this one is driven to kill because of his bad childhood. this doesn't fly with me for two reasons. #1 many kids have it way worse than mike, oh no your moms a stripper and your dads a douche bag, your sister is a slut and you have no friends...Boo Frickidy Hoo! That's no reason to torture animals or walk around like your the god Damned Anti Christ! Grow the hell up, try living in Africa you fucking pussy! then tell me how rough you had it. #2 Mike shouldn't need a reason to kill, he is supposed to be pure evil. Humans need reasons, not Mikel Myers. He doesn't need a back story and we don't need to feel sorry for him because he's the serial killer. There are also some small plot holes in the start I won't bother mentioning because their not worth my time. Though to his credit Mike is a good killer for his age(by the way they add a Higher body count to the opening to try and spice it up or something), lets just hope they don't let the little freak hit the gym.


GOD DAMN, he grew up to be one big son of a bitch! I told you guys not to let him hit the gym! These ass holes deserve to die for being so stupid! Not a good sign when all the characters have my permission to die horrible this early in the movie. That leads to another point the characters are far less interesting in this one than they were in the first. Mike was always cool, but in the end I was rooting for Laurie and Dr.Loomis. They were just great characters, and who didn't think Jamie Lee Curtis was hot playing the good girl Laurie Strode? That's right every one thought she was hot, and it made everyone root for her character. The new Laurie is actually kind of annoying. And the first time you see her she does this weird bagel molestation scene(yes she molests a bagel) which is totally out of character because she is supposed to be sweet and pure not a raunchy slut! Worst thing is it wasn't even funny like it was supposed to be because like everything else in this movie it tries way to hard. To better illustrate this I'll explain how the movie works. Besides the opening (which was boring and tried to hard to be disturbing) and the end (which was boring and no where near as good as the original) the movie is a carbon copy of the original. There are some things added but non of them were necessary or that good and most of the scenes were identical. The main difference being they weren't as good. The original had a real style this one is just basic horror gratuity. they take the scene add some extra gore or some extra swearing and say "there you go we made it better", No You God Damn Didn't! Horror is not about excess violence and sex it's about being scared. You can't just take a classic, up the body count, add some titties and say you have a better movie. This feels like the bootleg gored up version of Halloween, minus everything I loved about the original.


Now I'm going to really hit home the major points. In a segment I'll call...


Nightmare's Three Major Points

#1 Characters are one of the most Important parts of a movie after the story. Especially in a horror because you are far more likely to be scared if you can Identify or relate to the characters. If you just don't care the movie will get boring. Towards the end I didn't care who died, I just wanted it to end.


#2 Sex and Violence does not a good movie make. You can't just take an old story and add more death and boobs to it and call it a remake. Horror is not all about gore, in fact I find that the gorier the movie gets the less scary it becomes because you are focused on the gore. And as far as boobs are concerned I do not watch movies to see glimpses of breasts, I have the Internet for that ;) If done correctly nudity can add an effect of sympathy though. Like in Final Destination 3 when the two hot chicks do some topless tanning. This work because up till that point I was counting the seconds until they died. But then when the tanning bed started burning them I could help think "No Don't kill them, they're to Hot". Sure it's shallow but it worked because it made me care about the characters and it did make the scene more edgy...This leads me to my final point.


#3 you can't just add some shock value to your movie to make up for a lack of tension. I'm not talking about jump at you scare scenes I'm talking about disturbing stuff that's just in poor taste. There is a scene where two guys rape some patient at the mental hospital and it instantly pissed me off. There Is No Reason Why Stuff Like That Should Be In Films! It's just tasteless and the scene wasn't subtle in the least and went on for a long time. I actually thought about stopping the movie right there, and this was close to the beginning of the movie. This shock value shit is not scary it just makes the audience uncomfortable. If you want to scare me add disturbing stuff like malformed monster or good scare scenes. Torture and rape is not scary and is just a sign that the director has no idea how to make a good horror movie.

Any way as you might have guessed, I hated this movie. However I will say some people may enjoy it as a "decent " slasher flick and it was, as I said, adequate. I'll give it a C, though I would suggest watching the original instead because it is far Superior. so that's about it I would have said more but I really need to get going. The next review may be Resident evil Apocalypse if I have Time to watch it tonight. See ya!

Halloween Preview

I rented Halloween today and as usual I'll post my review sometime tomorrow. I hope everyone knows I actually did research for this one. Not much but I did re-watch the first Halloween and the second one so I can more easily compare this one to the source material. Again not much but I'm trying. I would also like everyone to vote on my poll, The village is still leading with three votes and if it wins so easily I'd say the poll idea was a failure. I was hoping to get a more even spread. Though that may just be because I hate it the most and really don't want to watch it again! I try not to be bias but sometimes it's unavoidable. Don't make me have to think up a new way to get feed back. The less I have to think the smoother this whole thing will run ;)