If you decide to go and see Speed Racer make sure you do one thing, bring a spoon. And I know this request perplexes you my faithful reader. No it is not so you can scoop up the sugary goodness in large amounts and place them lovingly in your mouth so the crystallized majesty of it all can dissolve gently on your tongue... it’s so your friend or loved one can shove it in your gob to keep you from chocking on your tongue as you seizure!
You may have noticed by my tone that I didn’t like the movie. It’s true, but a bit of an understatement; I hated the movie. But I would never let my own feeling cloud my critique so instead of just writing the movie off here (writing, I’ll get to that later) I’ll break it down and try, just try, to find something good to say about it.
I should at least mention the special effects since they cost so much and probably took forever to make. To tell you the truth the races looked good, though they should have toned down all the colors the lights and the endless flashbacks. But even though some of the races were confusing the one near the middle of the movie is actually pretty cool, until a fight scene interrupts it. They pull some wannabe Matrix stuff a few times in the movie but it sucks so I won’t even get into it. But as nice as the races look everything else is terrible. The people just don’t fit into the world around them and I kept thinking it would have looked so much better as a cartoon or a CG Pixar film. There are points in the movie where it looks like they spent no time at all on them, just terrible looking stuff.
Note that I wasn’t joking about the seizures, if your prone to them don’t go see Speed Racer, seriously don’t. The lights are as bright as they are colorful and they flicker and flash through the whole movie. It hurt my eyes and I walked out of the theater with a headache, though the pain could have just as easily been a side affect of the shame. I was extremely embarrassed walking out of the theater. The mix of childish humor and bright colors made be feel unwelcome which is odd because from the trailers I thought I was getting a movie targeted more for teens. That’s not the case this is a movie geared for young kids ten and under who can appreciate the juvenile jokes and muddled cliché dialogue. And they would have enjoyed it if it weren’t for a plotline so contrived and lacking in continuity that they won’t know what’s going on, let alone want to, as it’s so boring they’ll be running around the isles. And yes they actually were running around the isles.
I really tried to like this movie. I gave it my all. But there was a moment when I knew I couldn’t take any more. There was actually a good scene starting where the villain tells Speed (yes his full name is Speed Racer, it’s not a nickname) about the corruption in the racing industry. Out of all the terrible writing and unbearable dialogue this one scene was shaping up great. It had well written lines good acting and awesome tone but then the problems started. I guess the writers ( the Wachowski brothers) thought, “this scene is to boring for the kids”, so they started cutting it with scenes of the younger brother and his monkey wreaking havoc around the building. They did this three times, if memory serves, which ruins the mood of the scene and is also really annoying.
It failed for me as a critic when I heard one of the kids ask his father if Speed won the race after it was done. There were so many flashbacks color changes and fade-ins that the kid had no idea what had happened. So he was not only simultaneously bored and confused by the plot but he also had no idea what was happening on screen and any given time. That’s when I knew the movie had failed, not because it didn’t work for me but because it failed to reach its target audience.
I could mention more but I think you see where this is going. It left me ashamed of myself and everyone who had made it. I just wanted racing but what I got was a poorly written drama angled toward kids peppered lightly with a few races just so you can call it a race movie. I’m giving it a D and I wouldn’t advise anyone to see it in the theaters. If you want to see it watch it on TV, maybe rent it if you’re a fan. Just make sure you have the ability to either leave or fast forward through the parts between the races. If your child wants to see it wait till you can rent it and get another better movie too because once you fast forward through the boring stuff you have less then half a movie to watch. Not that either half is worth your money.
You may have noticed by my tone that I didn’t like the movie. It’s true, but a bit of an understatement; I hated the movie. But I would never let my own feeling cloud my critique so instead of just writing the movie off here (writing, I’ll get to that later) I’ll break it down and try, just try, to find something good to say about it.
I should at least mention the special effects since they cost so much and probably took forever to make. To tell you the truth the races looked good, though they should have toned down all the colors the lights and the endless flashbacks. But even though some of the races were confusing the one near the middle of the movie is actually pretty cool, until a fight scene interrupts it. They pull some wannabe Matrix stuff a few times in the movie but it sucks so I won’t even get into it. But as nice as the races look everything else is terrible. The people just don’t fit into the world around them and I kept thinking it would have looked so much better as a cartoon or a CG Pixar film. There are points in the movie where it looks like they spent no time at all on them, just terrible looking stuff.
Note that I wasn’t joking about the seizures, if your prone to them don’t go see Speed Racer, seriously don’t. The lights are as bright as they are colorful and they flicker and flash through the whole movie. It hurt my eyes and I walked out of the theater with a headache, though the pain could have just as easily been a side affect of the shame. I was extremely embarrassed walking out of the theater. The mix of childish humor and bright colors made be feel unwelcome which is odd because from the trailers I thought I was getting a movie targeted more for teens. That’s not the case this is a movie geared for young kids ten and under who can appreciate the juvenile jokes and muddled cliché dialogue. And they would have enjoyed it if it weren’t for a plotline so contrived and lacking in continuity that they won’t know what’s going on, let alone want to, as it’s so boring they’ll be running around the isles. And yes they actually were running around the isles.
I really tried to like this movie. I gave it my all. But there was a moment when I knew I couldn’t take any more. There was actually a good scene starting where the villain tells Speed (yes his full name is Speed Racer, it’s not a nickname) about the corruption in the racing industry. Out of all the terrible writing and unbearable dialogue this one scene was shaping up great. It had well written lines good acting and awesome tone but then the problems started. I guess the writers ( the Wachowski brothers) thought, “this scene is to boring for the kids”, so they started cutting it with scenes of the younger brother and his monkey wreaking havoc around the building. They did this three times, if memory serves, which ruins the mood of the scene and is also really annoying.
It failed for me as a critic when I heard one of the kids ask his father if Speed won the race after it was done. There were so many flashbacks color changes and fade-ins that the kid had no idea what had happened. So he was not only simultaneously bored and confused by the plot but he also had no idea what was happening on screen and any given time. That’s when I knew the movie had failed, not because it didn’t work for me but because it failed to reach its target audience.
I could mention more but I think you see where this is going. It left me ashamed of myself and everyone who had made it. I just wanted racing but what I got was a poorly written drama angled toward kids peppered lightly with a few races just so you can call it a race movie. I’m giving it a D and I wouldn’t advise anyone to see it in the theaters. If you want to see it watch it on TV, maybe rent it if you’re a fan. Just make sure you have the ability to either leave or fast forward through the parts between the races. If your child wants to see it wait till you can rent it and get another better movie too because once you fast forward through the boring stuff you have less then half a movie to watch. Not that either half is worth your money.
2 comments:
Hmm.. I think I'll pass and choose instead to look directly at the sun.. through a telescope.. at high noon
Ah but the pain is only complete when your ears hurt too. You can simulate this effect by playing really badly written pop music, prefurably influenced by asian culture in a way that would no doubt offend them.
Oh and take out some cashand smoke it. You'll be burning money and in the end lose countless braincells...That is the Speed Racer experience.
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