The Strangers, and all the brooding that comes with them.

I’m here to talk about “The Strangers”, a movie I was actually looking forward too. But before I get into that I should probably explain the sorrow I have inexplicably surrounded you in. I love horror movies, just love them. And I’ve been waiting for my fix for quite some time now. And yes I know “The Happening” is on the horizon but I have little faith in M.Night and don’t expect to be blown away by his latest foyer into pretension and whispering. But we’ll hold judgment until next weekend when you get my review. For now suffice it to say I’m starved for horror and thought “The Strangers” could fill the gap, I was wrong.

It was average, just a cookie cutter horror in a long line of mundane forgettable movies. Not bad in any sense it just seemed stale. It had nothing new to offer the genre and it didn’t really excel and anything. It certainly wasn’t scary; every jump scare predictable and without feeling. Though it had a nice atmosphere and was entertaining, just nothing special. I could easily splice this same paragraph into a review for most of the other horrors I’ve seen lately, which makes me sad as a critic and as a fan. There are too many pretenders and remakes taking up space in the horror industry. I bleed for the future.

The movie just feels tired, there have been too many better slashers and it all seems soulless. There is nothing wrong with the acting or the suspense. Some of the camera work is a little shoddy but that can be forgiven considering they were probably going for a realistic feel, it just didn’t work. It just wasn’t scary, there were moments when the crowd laughed at the scare scenes and that’s just pathetic. I almost felt bad for the movie. But it’s not my place to pity the frail and lost.

It feels like a PG13 slasher flick, so their worst mistake was probably going for the R rating as it will appeal best to teens just getting into the genre. For seasoned veterans in the field this will do little more than wet your appetite. It’s a C, a passable but weak performance. For newbies this would work as a fun introduction to the genre as it establishes conventions to the point of cliché and it might make a fun date movie. However I would only really suggest it as a rental, unless people in masks really do it for you.

The Incredible Hulk Smashes my little reviewing mind!

This is why I love what I do. Sure I have to see all the worst movies made, but I also get those roller coaster rides every movie wants to be. And as a reviewer I get the privilege of telling you, the reader, exactly what you’re in for. And this week the prescription is anger. But oh man, I like it when he’s angry.
And for a second straight time Marvel delivers a movie that had me craving more. The old Hulk movie, garbage, forget it. This is The Hulk the way it should be, explosive anger. The story is fine, it does a good job string together the hulk-outs and they really did a good ob bringing the universe together. Comic book fans will notice many nods to old conventions and they set up more possible options for later Marvel titles, like Captain America and the Avengers.
The only flaws I noticed were a few short lags where the movie staled. And some people might not buy into the little love story. Liv Tyler was over acted a few times and The General was a little stiff, though he’s a general so I don’t know if that’s bad. Everyone else was good, Edward Norton really fit the character and Tim Roth was a very convincing psychotic monster. Overall everything flowed well and no one is really going into The Hulk for an amazing plot, we’re there for some smashing!
The smashing is by far the best thing about this film. You really got the impression of anger when The Hulk was rampaging, and that was exactly what the last one lacked. There are some absolutely superb action sequences, and the final showdown is climactic as hell. Which was my only complaint about Iron Man, so it made me really happy to see such an amazing showdown.
Although I probably liked the ending of The Incredible Hulk better than Iron Man’s (not a complaint I loved them both) I still think Iron Man is the superior movie. But I still love the Hulk and it’s defiantly a must see if your hitting the theatres this week. I’m giving it a B+, full of action and a promising start to what could be a cool series of films. But be wary if you have anger issues. I wanted to start fights with everyone on my way out of the theatre. I just wanted to smash something too… L

Hmmm, I’ve noticed my reviews get shorter the more I like the movie. One would think I could fill in space by praising the film for all it’s glory…guess not. I’m going to The Happening tomorrow; I’m assuming now my review will be long, bring a drink.

The Chronicles of Narnia: A Question of Faith

The first Chronicles of Narnia movie wasn’t anything special; let’s face the facts it’s basically a Lord of Rings knockoff package for kids. I personally thought it was a little weak, I just couldn’t get into the idea of a bunch of kids leading an army of mythical creatures into battle while a thick layer of Christian overtones are laid on in the background. But as I said it wasn’t meant for me but for the kids and it must have hit its mark because the studio has pumped out its sequel The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

For a brief synapses one could say it’s Narnians verses the Spaniards and it’s up to a bunch of kids to save the day while they all search for their faith in a dark foreboding world. But that would be an awfully cynical approach to a summery. So I’ll go a bit deeper. The same children from the first movie are summoned back to Narnia hundreds of years after their kingdom has been levelled and the mythical creatures driven into hiding. This invading force, the Telmarines, have established an empire in Narnia whos prince is of coures Prince Caspian. His uncle makes an attempt at his life to seize the thrown and this sets the plot into motion. The plot is alittle cliche at points but it flows decent enough and once the battles start no one really cares anyway. After that it’s just surviving the onslaught of Christianity.

The creatures are back and looking as great as always but are sadly accompanied my even thicker overtones with a subtle air of pretentiousness. Like the movie’s being so brilliant with its references that no one could ever figure it out. The acting was also weak; it’s low point being Prince Caspian’s wonderfully fake accent. But as annoying as the references got and as much as the acting made me laugh at times, I kind of enjoyed myself.

They’ve evened out the gap between audiences by making it feel a bit more adult by creating a darker atmosphere and grittier more intense battles. The plot was a little loose and the dialogue rough at times (the aforementioned Christian allusions) but the battles saved it every time. The war scenes are fast paced show lots of destruction and utilize each creature to their fullest, my personal favourite being the Minotaurs and their berserker style of fighting. And though things about the plot really made me mad there were no really glaring flaws.

So I’m going to give it a B. It’s good, just not great, dragged down by its influences and child actors. It borrows a bit from the Lord of The Rings but it’s still fun. Worth a trip to the theatre especially for families, but it’s not for cynics, plot enthusiasts or atheists. I felt like the little references were hitting me square in the face every time and anyone else who doesn’t like that sort of thing will have problems with this film. It’s really a question of faith (see my title) and whether you have it or not. Do you have faith or does the concept of blind faith bother you. Give it a shot but don’t blame me if you’re born again. Don’t worry, I wasn’t.

Speed Racer: Is there any Speed included?

If you decide to go and see Speed Racer make sure you do one thing, bring a spoon. And I know this request perplexes you my faithful reader. No it is not so you can scoop up the sugary goodness in large amounts and place them lovingly in your mouth so the crystallized majesty of it all can dissolve gently on your tongue... it’s so your friend or loved one can shove it in your gob to keep you from chocking on your tongue as you seizure!

You may have noticed by my tone that I didn’t like the movie. It’s true, but a bit of an understatement; I hated the movie. But I would never let my own feeling cloud my critique so instead of just writing the movie off here (writing, I’ll get to that later) I’ll break it down and try, just try, to find something good to say about it.

I should at least mention the special effects since they cost so much and probably took forever to make. To tell you the truth the races looked good, though they should have toned down all the colors the lights and the endless flashbacks. But even though some of the races were confusing the one near the middle of the movie is actually pretty cool, until a fight scene interrupts it. They pull some wannabe Matrix stuff a few times in the movie but it sucks so I won’t even get into it. But as nice as the races look everything else is terrible. The people just don’t fit into the world around them and I kept thinking it would have looked so much better as a cartoon or a CG Pixar film. There are points in the movie where it looks like they spent no time at all on them, just terrible looking stuff.

Note that I wasn’t joking about the seizures, if your prone to them don’t go see Speed Racer, seriously don’t. The lights are as bright as they are colorful and they flicker and flash through the whole movie. It hurt my eyes and I walked out of the theater with a headache, though the pain could have just as easily been a side affect of the shame. I was extremely embarrassed walking out of the theater. The mix of childish humor and bright colors made be feel unwelcome which is odd because from the trailers I thought I was getting a movie targeted more for teens. That’s not the case this is a movie geared for young kids ten and under who can appreciate the juvenile jokes and muddled cliché dialogue. And they would have enjoyed it if it weren’t for a plotline so contrived and lacking in continuity that they won’t know what’s going on, let alone want to, as it’s so boring they’ll be running around the isles. And yes they actually were running around the isles.

I really tried to like this movie. I gave it my all. But there was a moment when I knew I couldn’t take any more. There was actually a good scene starting where the villain tells Speed (yes his full name is Speed Racer, it’s not a nickname) about the corruption in the racing industry. Out of all the terrible writing and unbearable dialogue this one scene was shaping up great. It had well written lines good acting and awesome tone but then the problems started. I guess the writers ( the Wachowski brothers) thought, “this scene is to boring for the kids”, so they started cutting it with scenes of the younger brother and his monkey wreaking havoc around the building. They did this three times, if memory serves, which ruins the mood of the scene and is also really annoying.

It failed for me as a critic when I heard one of the kids ask his father if Speed won the race after it was done. There were so many flashbacks color changes and fade-ins that the kid had no idea what had happened. So he was not only simultaneously bored and confused by the plot but he also had no idea what was happening on screen and any given time. That’s when I knew the movie had failed, not because it didn’t work for me but because it failed to reach its target audience.

I could mention more but I think you see where this is going. It left me ashamed of myself and everyone who had made it. I just wanted racing but what I got was a poorly written drama angled toward kids peppered lightly with a few races just so you can call it a race movie. I’m giving it a D and I wouldn’t advise anyone to see it in the theaters. If you want to see it watch it on TV, maybe rent it if you’re a fan. Just make sure you have the ability to either leave or fast forward through the parts between the races. If your child wants to see it wait till you can rent it and get another better movie too because once you fast forward through the boring stuff you have less then half a movie to watch. Not that either half is worth your money.

Does liking something make it good?

Going into a review of this nature is tough. Indiana Jones is one of thoughts beloved series with a strong fan base, myself included, who can be easily angered by any criticism towards the movie. I can’t pander to the audience, and at the same time I can’t just go by my own tastes. I liked Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; I had a good time watching it. That doesn’t mean it was good. Now the thing I’ve been debating with myself is how to go about explaining the movie, pointing out it’s many flaws and then still recommended it in the end. For most people this movie will be a fun little ride, even if it is completely unnecessary.

I’ll start by saying Indy fans will enjoy it. After all it brings back a beloved character for one last run (hopefully the last). And it’s mostly the same old Indy…mostly (the first person who gets that reference gets 50 kudos points). There are many problems with this movie and I think they can be summed up quite easily. No one gave a shit. George Lucas was the only one who actually wanted to make a new Indiana Jones movie and he accompanied this lapse of sanity (for previous lapses see Star Wars prequels) with his own script, which he originally called Indiana Jones and the saucer men from Mars. I wish I was making this up but I’m afraid it’s true and that really is the movie in a nutshell. I’d write up a synapses but to do that I’d have to write many long and complex paragraphs. You’ll have to settle for the short version. Indiana Jones has to stop the Soviet Union from getting a special crystal skull that, apparently, could hold the power to grant them telepathic weaponry. Though they never really explain how or give any reason why they just don’t use the skulls they already have to research this new form of technology. But hey, not everyone can notice glaring plot holes while Indy is involved in a nuclear explosion or a car chase…right?

The plot is weak, seemingly designed by a pre-teen boy whose only goal is to create a vague reason for all the bombastic action. The dialogue is very stiff especially at the beginning before all the action diverts your attention. It all just feels soulless, but the crazy action has a nice feel to it all the same. But I must say they dialled up the improbability to a whole new level. It made Iron Man look like a true story it was so unrealistic. And I know what your thinking “who’s the prude now Mattie”. Firstly, shut up, secondly this movie is just ridicules at times. Indy is like some kind of demi-god, completely indestructible and there are moments where you just need to surrender to the movie and let it go.

This has gone on long enough, it’s a C+ and I’ll explain why. The title and the budget, that’s it. This is some weak stuff only saved by a huge special effects budget and a built in fan base. The plot is pathetic just don’t bother with it. It will work for the fans and also for people who just want dumb action fests. If you want to see it go for the action and nothing more. You’ll get your nostalgia fix and you’ll never have to watch it again. I would suggest seeing it in the theatres and only because the big screen suites the grandger of it all. Just leave it behind after that. It’s fun but not worth remembering and certainly not worth adding to your Indy collection (don’t go out and buy the super deluxe tetrilogy in a few months). It really never should have been made and under a different name for less money it would have been terrible, but I enjoyed myself and most other people will too. Just go in with low expectations and leave your brain at home.

Note that kudos points can be exchanged for requested reviews, shout outs, or if you’re female and foxy my number ;)

God I've been slack...

Well I got caught up in my life yet again and didn't upload my reviews...though I'm certain the last one wasn't read anyway. I've been neglecting all my side projects as well, leaving my script alone and unfinished :( But I'm bored and I don't feel like tearing into any of my required reading just yet so I'll now throw all my reviews up. Hurray for boredom!